Sometimes, the best approach is no approach.

I realized something over the past few days - right now isn't a time for me to write about yoga. In addition to re-establishing my practice, I'm establishing a new life, a new business, a "new" home, a new marriage, a few new interests, a new social life...the stuff I'm honestly drawn to write about...*YEAH*. In looking back over a few entries - I was getting whiney. Why? Because I need my practice to be a grounding escape right now - it's my safe place, and putting my safe place out there is not the direction I need to take. I'm keeping the blog, and intend to pick it up again with a vengeance once I've found my place in all of these new, and exciting, things. I'll be posting intermittently along the way, but for now, I really want to focus my writing on:

GoKittenGo and Didgeridoo Boy - the blog about our life and adventures, and a blog I've *really* wanted to start all along, Bento Kitten - yes, a food blog. But cute food, and in cool containers.

did she make it?

At the beginning of the month, while on the couch recovering from the whopping panic attack, I decided I would start a practice of giving myself a few monthly challenges (inspired by Kimberly Wilson), picked from a list of things I've been meaning to get to. Rather than set a number of them and try to squish them all in, I let myself pick out ones that drew me as I went along. After my manager-realization moment, one of my goals was to shut over-active inner manager the hell up - this approach helped accomplish that quite nicely.

So - after putting my rambunctious inner manager in time out (that would be the first), I got down to:

Learning to play guitar - bought my first guitar last week, and am loving it, in spite of the sore fingers.

Packing bento - I've had my Hello Kitty bento box since August, but had yet to fill it. This is going to become an obsession, and I've even decided to start a bento blog. (I know, I work from home, which might make such a portable lunch seem pointless. Here's a peek into why they work well for those who do. Plus, it allows me a relaxing, creative start to the day.)

Giving the FlyLady system an honest go - I really only got down to this over the past two weeks, and was sick for one of those, but this 15-minutes-a-day thing really works. We even have organized kitchen drawers and a clean front yard now. (Hold on - - the earth's going to stop for a second....)

And - duh duh dunhhhhh - get a plan together for really launching this business in a way that's true to who Trey and I are. Done, done, and done. We're ready to go.

Panic attack and icky cold considered, I'm really pleased. That might seem like a short list, but each item encompassed a lot - from becoming a little more organized in my approach to allowing myself to move fun to the forefront. Over the next day or two, I'll post April's to-try list (meant to do that for this month, but forgot - how ironic).

so bad but too good

Damn. Sometimes Sonic has to happen. And I relish every single bad-for-me bite and get my blood pumping a while later to make everything right with my conscience. Sonic had to happen today, and it happened large, with cheese and fried strips of jalapeno peppers. I did not eat the free tater tots or drink the cherry limeade. But I ate a thing the size of my head over the course of two hours. While I'm proud of my restraint in only consuming the main course, I'm downright astonished that I ate the *entire* main course. And this wasn't unconscious eating - I knew exactly what I was doing, and quite enjoyed making a pig of myself.

But then, there was guilt. One small human does not need that much food. Fast food, at that. Granted, I will happily indulge in cupcakes and small ice creams at whim, but what I ate today was a year of those. While wallowing in my guilt-and-fat-laden state (Thanksgiving stupor? Amateur to this. Amateur, I tell you), I remembered something from Sadie Nardini's Road Trip Guide To The Soul. To sum it up - when you go off track, do something to reaffirm where you want to be.

I made a cup of green tea, and once I wasn't quite as blurgh (it's a word in my universe), put on my iPod and had a healthy round of cardio. For dinner, I had a small salad and the yummiest bowl of soup I've ever concocted - broccoli, celery, bok choy, and onions in a miso/soy/ginger/garlic stock.

And a cupcake. Improvements don't mean I'm perfect. But it wasn't a very big cupcake.

plannedted

Yes, "plannedted". That's me. I'd planned a few things, but around 4pm yesterday realized I was suddenly very, very cold. Allergies? No. There's a monster cold running rampant, and I managed to get tagged. Oh, well. Needless to say, there was no soothing practice yesterday afternoon, and I crashed out around 10pm in a daze of cold meds, my husband's video game providing the soundtrack to dreams of bipedal cats and living rooms decorated in what I swear looked like Handi Wipes. For all the things I'd planned, I've wound up planted. Hence, planted. Yes, it is silly isn't it?

I was prepared to mope and bemoan my sniffly, feverish, reclining state when I visited Kimberly Wilson's blog and read today's entry. Damned good advice, that. So in the same vein, I've decided to list out things that are actually making me feel good - even when I'm sick:

San-X characters - in particular Beer-Chan and Tarepanda
A slew of bento-related blogs, Bento Central is a good place to start
The little paper toys I assembled from templates found on Toy a Day
My new guitar
Seeing my husband talk on the pink princess phone I insist upon having in the living room
One of our cats trying to hop on the counter and going for a ride on a potholder
My dog, who is human, and also a seat thief
Mini lights
Onigiri and miso soup
Blue nail polish
Sandal weather, even though I'm cooped up at the moment
The new red, grommet-festooned jacket I can't wait to wear
Blooms on the Red Bud tree behind my house
Lunch plans with Mom for tomorrow
Deciding to not have writer's block


Now - let's see if I can keep up this mindset all day.

how does "om" sound with a stuffy nose?

The written version of that sound was what I wanted to use as a title for this post. Oh, well. It's probably best I not try to figure it out. The reason behind my stuffy nose, as you have probably guessed, is a whopping bout of seasonal allergies. I go through this every year, yet am always surprised at just how completely icky I feel. Typically, I'm laid out flu-style for a couple of days (there now), and then the worst moseys on and my symptoms cooperate with my Allergiemittel. (The best remedy ever, in my opinion.) However, this is the second allergy smack-down I've suffered this season, and it's done its damndest thus far to outdo the first. Something's got to give - popping pills only provides temporary relief, and a girl can only stand so much steam and hot tea.

Here are some resources I've found helpful over yesterday and today:

The Yoga for Allergies section in About-dot-com's yoga section.

Yoga Journal offers a this article on modifying one's practice, another on ayurvedic measures, and a sequence to help bring relief, as well as lots more.

And finally, Yogi Tea's Breathe Deep has helped clear my stuffy head on more than one occasion. Just pay attention to any herbs you might be allergic to!

Confession: I've never tried a neti pot. They scare me, and I realize I'm being about five years old by saying that, but it's true.

Now, all of that said, I'm off to finish today's stuff so I can have my (allergy-appropriate) practice and play with my new guitar.

my great debate

Actually, this kind of addresses more than one debate. First, I didn't know if I should address this topic in this blog. Then, I'll admit, I'm struggling a bit with entry material - - so it makes sense to address it. Flip side? It might seem petty. Other side of the flip side? Well, it's yoga-related. Kind of.

I'm talking about my yoga area. In the very first entry, I posted a picture of the space that is to become my little in-home yoga sanctuary. It looks the very same now - decorating it became a tight little wad of not-so-much fun, so I left it alone as I collected and discarded idea upon idea. Nothing felt right. And I know myself - if that space doesn't feel right, it'll do nothing but collect mail, flipflops, and purse while I move from spot to spot in the house with my mat. I finally had to sit down and grill myself about what would most inspire me to create a great yoga space and actually use it.

Something interesting came up when I started brainstorming, and I quote: "Bamboo flutes and dripping water give me hives." And then? "Soothing tones do not soothe me." Well, there's something to start on, no? I went on for a bit after that in a profanity-laden spew that sincerely helped me clarify what I do NOT want in a yoga space, and what I WILL have if I so choose, the high point of which expressed that I will damn well have a disco ball if I want it. (I will not have a disco ball. That was frustrated smartassery talking.) I also made it quite clear in my list that I am not Ghandi, as if anyone would ever dare hazard that comparison. So now that I know what I'm not going for, what am I going to do?

I have no freakin' idea beyond "not typical". But at least I've distilled the idea pool down to that!

wowzers

It really is Monday already. And it's spring, even, which always has a dual effect on me: I become supremely motivated, wanting to outrace everything that's waking up and blooming and have a million projects finished before everything reaches its peak; but on the flip side, I get knocked down with epic allergies sometimes that render me all but useless. Guess which side of things decided to surface last night? No worries - this is nothing that miso soup, green tea, and a dose of allergy medicine won't clear up in short order.

Trey and I managed to accomplish everything we wanted last week, but through all of that, I noticed that I was still uncomfortable with letting myself have down time - even though I'd given myself permission and ample space to do so. How is relaxation possible when it seems I'm simply not wired to relax? I want to be writing, creating, anything but sitting down and doing the opposite. It's becoming increasingly difficult to get myself to shut down at the end of the day.

So - is this a good thing or a bad thing? Perhaps it's simply time for me to act, to kick myself into high gear and accomplish all of these things on my burgeoning want-to-do list. I'm going keep up with very grounding, settling practices to keep myself in check, but my core is telling me to dive in full-force. While I don't want another round of anxiety/panic, I also know that *not* getting stuff done tends to stress me out more than overdoing. Just as it is on the mat, this is about finding my edge and going past it *just enough* to challenge/encourage, but not harm.

Off to sneeze, drink tea, and get down to unraveling some serious time management challenges.

one week

Hi there!

Trey and I are taking this week to prepare our house for a flip. Yes, we have done this before. And now we want it flipped back. Along with our domestic acrobatics, we've got mad business stuff to take care of, none of which can wait.

So I'll see you a week from today. Enjoy your week, and good luck with all that you have going on!

...or not

No mailbox moment today. I know, thank goodness, right? Instead, though, I had a yoga mat moment. Yesterday was rainy and sneezy and busy, and today was rainy and sneezy - I took care of a few minor things, but spent most of the day under a blanket, listening to rain on the roof and reading all about bento. (Obento?) A point came when I *had* to have my practice. I felt cooped up, confined, and tight on all levels; and in spite of being a bit sneezy and scratchy-throated, had to get to my mat.

I spent a good while in child's pose, balasana. While I was there, I remembered a moment a few years ago when I realized the very feeling of my mat under my feet, something that simple, could send a signal that it was time to slow down and come into a more settled place. While I don't think I've lost touch with that, I think something in the fact that I went into practice strongly seeking relief sent that point home again with especially strong acuity. With the feel of the mat, I had a sense of, "Okay, I know what to do, and I know this is going to help."

As I moved through a really simple series of asanas, I realized that I was allowing myself to avoid anything that might do something other than bring me to my senses and leave me relaxed. Stretching I wanted, but nothing too exerting. Twisting? No. Thought about it, but let it slide - twists will be there. Dolphin pose? Right on. And it felt amazing. But what was more amazing was the subtle fact that I allowed myself to keep it simple and soothing with no self-reminders. I don't know if it was due to having absorbed a lesson on a deeper level or just flat-out feeling like doody, but it was a definitely a good thing.

(Take THAT, inner micro-manager! HA!)

Overall, it was a good reminder to simply have a little more faith in myself. I know my intuition will tell me what's best, what to do, and what to avoid - but coming into a place where I can listen to it can be challenging for me. I tend to try too hard - or try NOT to try, if that makes any sense whatsoever. And I can't put into words what led me to be out of my own way yesterday, and in the "mailbox moments" earlier in the week - but it's cool to know that I was finally able to ditch the effort and let that knowing come through.

managerial

I had another "mailbox moment" today. On Monday, I had a pouncing realization of a need to change habits and approaches (and approaches to habits?) based on a reaction to pulling our new business cards out of the mail. And today, The E-Myth Revisited arrived. (Heard about it through Kimberly Wilson's podcast.) I brought it inside, put it on the counter, ran errands, unwrapped it, put it in my purse (!), and finally settled down to read it after dinner.

Before today's "mailbox moment", however, I spent Monday and Tuesday sorting out some things pertaining to the first one. Instead of diving back into an overload of business-related busy work after Monday's lunch, I dove into figuring my shit out. And I figured out that I tend to do-mode myself into tolerating all sorts of things in the name of getting things done - basically should-ing myself into fairly profound distress. Even something as simple as a tense crick in my back can be ignored so a graphic can be aligned perfectly at the top of a promotional flier. Once I listed everything out, I realized what to change, and set an intention to do so. There's a lot to be said for veggie maki, goji berry green tea, an afternoon walk, and the occasional downward facing dog after a few hours of desk work. But even as I figured it out and set about doing things differently, I wondered if I'd be able to keep myself in check.

Okay, now back to today. After dinner, I snuggled into a chair and started reading and taking notes. The moment I hit the concept of The Entrepreneur, The Manager, and The Technician, a lot of things made sense. Yes, I can see those aspects of myself - easily. And, I'll just be, look at how the managerial aspect has been driving me absolutely bananas! My manager has all but driven my entrepreneur to rehab and has my technician wanting to slaughter her. Seriously! I'd even categorized things so that I was surprised I could glean such an amazing life-wide a-ha moment from a business-related book. (That was for the business, you see. Because nothing is at all connected, you know. Yes, that's the manager talking. No, I do not hear voices.)

But glean the a-ha I did, and I'm glad of it. I'm a firm believer in things coming at the right time, and this book is the next piece in the puzzle the business card reaction started helping me put together. If I'm going to, say, decorate my home, plan a week's worth of bento lunches (another entry), launch this business, or *live my yoga*, I first have to learn how to live functionally - in a way that doesn't result in so much internal conflict over the simplest processes. And based on what I've read in the first forty or so pages of this book, it could be that I need to learn how to tell my manager to shut the hell up and just *be* until her input would be for the good of all. (I'm going to teach her some restorative poses and pranayama once I have this posted.)

So do I think I'll be able to keep myself in check? Most of the time, perhaps. But when I do go off the managerial deep end again, at least I'll understand how to bring myself back to a better place faster, and in a much more pleasant fashion.

up and almost at 'em

It would figure, wouldn't it, that on my first day back at full speed after last week's slowdown, our business cards would show up in the mail. As soon as I saw the box, I felt it - a physical tensing up, almost like I was preparing for another round of overdoing and burnout. I'd never noticed it before, but it was unmistakable - I was excited to see them, but there was also a feeling of, "Oh, no. Here we go." The all or nothing pattern is strongly ingrained into my entire being, I guess. It's almost like the reaction, as well as the actions themselves, have become habit.

I'm glad I caught it in that moment, because it showed me how much I'm really in need of balance in my approach. My default mode is either overdoing or not doing at all, planning to the "nth" degree or completely forgetting, fully charged or completely burned out and discouraged. While I've improved substantially, feeling myself prepare and flinch upon taking that package out of the mailbox showed me how much more I need to open up to a new way of going about my day to day affairs. Just like a less-rigid, yet thought out, approach has been of immense benefit to my yoga practice, the same could be as beneficial off the mat. (That's a lesson I'll probably learn, over and over, for the rest of my life.)

So before I dive back into planning and scheming for our new business, I'm going to devote time to figuring how I can best achieve ever-so-elusive balance. What might I, for instance, be lacking that could cause me to go so full throttle I make myself sick? What might I need more or less of that would help me feel truly satisfied and at peace at the end of a day? Off to make some avocado rolls and green tea and mull this over a bit.

catching up

So the house is a little more cluttered since I haven't been fully on top of cleaning this week, a couple of projects have been scooted over to next week's calendar, and my toes need to be done. So what? I feel so much better having allowed myself more-than-ample down time. My printer's low on ink because I've run off a slew of cool note cards, paper toys, and recipe cards. I haven't cooked a thing that wasn't fun to prepare (finally getting the hang of rolling sushi). The most labor-intensive thing I've done all week is go shopping, and I finally know what deep sleep is again. Just enough has been done to make going back full swing not quite so overwhelming.

The calendar's staying shut until Monday morning - no to-do lists this weekend other than pulling a few preparations together for some friends we're having over tomorrow night. My whole being is thanking me for a week-long off-the-mat restorative practice.

Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll see you Monday!

ever so much better

One of the things I would like to have happen as I progress is put the very distinct ability I have to totally fry myself to good use. Sunday's panic attack was a proverbial humdinger - I can laugh at it now, but it took Monday and yesterday to fully recover. (I don't just get shortness of breath, my system goes *nuts*.) My muscles were stiff from tensing up, I felt as though I'd run a marathon, and my sleep cycle is still trying to work itself out. However, my husband and I used the down time as a mini vacation and chance to re-evaluate some things we needed to approach differently. And I now have a (wait for it)....quitting time!

Part of trying to help my system readjust to as-normal-as-possible is adopting a lovely, stretchy, Warrior-heavy forward-bending practice that reduces me to a blissful pile of yoga jello. I finished up about an hour ago, and am still sitting on the couch with a cup of tea, feeling very warm and happy, beaming like a Cheshire cat and making my husband think I must certainly be high as a kite. All I can do is *be*. I was so relaxed and happily still in savasana that I worried my dog - who wandered over, sniffed a bit, put her nose in my face, and then finally sat with a reassuring paw on my shoulder. She even did the it's-gonna-be-okay-mommy grunt a few times. ("I Love the 80's" has never been this interesting!)

I do, however, need to loll my way over to the kitchen and whip up tonight's dinner (fried rice a'la Digs Magazine). And I probably need to spend time letting my dog know that I really am fine - she's sitting across the living room staring, as if saying, "Seriously , woman, you've not blinked!"

Try the JivaDiva's forward bending podcast for a nice, nice evening.

sofasana

Yes, indeed. On the couch, I am, and why? I suffered a lovely panic attack last night and am now suffering the after effects - stiff, a little out of it, and with residual tinglings in my arms on occasion. I know - yuck, right? And as much as I am trying to say it was unprovoked, who's been digging around doing business-related research and trying to perfect flyers and such for said business until late into the night?

I think I'm going to dedicate some time today to researching a "Little Miss Type A" t-shirt. There's got to be one out there somewhere...

Have a brilliantly wonderful day, and I'll see you Wednesday.

(no subject) (i think)

Yay, me. I'm honestly trying to fulfill my promise to myself of getting three entries into this blog this week, and have them be something that's truly representative of where I am in the moment. I'm also being quite honest about the fact that the first idea I had for today's entry was the one that kicked hardest, an entry that detailed a few things that have really been inspiring me or helping me along lately, but that such an entry would take pages...and pages...and maybe another page on top of those. So let's keep it simple and just have a list, shall we?

Hip Tranquil Chick/Tranquility du Jour - long time fave that's really hitting home right now, as I'm in the midst of shaping a new life AND launching a new business.

Zencast podcast - loving the guided Metta Meditation, as well as the meditation timers.

JivaDiva Yoga Jam - I can't say enough good things about this podcast, which I first discovered in 2005. It's amazingly helpful as I reestablish my practice and build my stamina back up to its pre-injuries level, and offers infinite good stuff, from practices to meditations to lectures. And if my shoulder acts up, there's even a sequence designed for those with repetitive stress injuries that puts no pressure on the arms, wrists, or shoulders.

This article at Yoga Journal did a great job reining me in after I began overdoing it in backbends this week.

I've really been enjoying Sadie Nardini's writing at the Yoga Journal. The "Living on a Prayer" chant (in her "Boston Family" entry) made me smile from my head to my toes. It rocks, no pun intended.

Yogi Tea Egyptian Licorice tea. I'm so in love with this stuff I might marry it.

Swami J's section on Patanjali's Sutras.

My PlannerPad. I use mine as a visual journal and calendar, and am lost without it.

My friend Shelley of Dancing Dogs Yoga (Hatha for Haiti this weekend!), for helping me select a new yoga mat. (Jade Yoga Fusion - still trying to decide between red or purple.)

(This is coming across as an Oscar acceptance speech....)

One more! Wrist decompression via Sadie Nardini on YouTube. I've done this a lot this week, as I've been all but glued to the computer with the DIY business stuff.

And of course, my mom, my husband, and my darlin' dog Totsi. :)

Now, I'm going to change into my after-ceremony attire and hit the after parties. (Translation, I'm going to get ready for an evening of dinner, "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas", and "Coast to Coast AM" with my husband.) Have an amazing weekend!

lessons learned

I know how to neutralize backbends. I also know that yin yoga can be exceptionally relaxing, and that too great a focus on backbends too late in the day can zing me up and awake all over again. Actually, let me rephrase that, too many backbends too late in the day can turn me into an insomniac, raving b-word with a major case of the grumps all the next day. So back to neutralizing backbends and the deeply relaxing effects yin yoga *can* have for me. Or not.

I've been mentally busy for the past couple of days, throwing myself into arranging my calendar for the next few months and blazing through ideas Trey and I have for a business we're launching. Physically, however, other than taking care of (ahem) domestic projects and my morning cardio, I've been s.e.d.e.n.t.a.r.y. - hardly even getting up to look out a window. On Monday, after writing I was off to go through a few rounds of Chandra Namaskar, I decided I felt too drained and opted for this yin yoga practice I found on the Yoga Journal site. (They have a few practices up, as well as a podcast, that I've been sampling.) It proved profoundly relaxing - in a matter of just a couple of hours I was nodding off, and I slept very soundly for almost twelve hours.

Yesterday, I went through the same routine - had morning cardio, tidied up the house a bit, worked some more on my calendar, and settled in at the computer for another marathon of business-related stuff. (I did take in a documentary via Netflix online - but that was still, you guessed it, at my computer.) I looked up around 5pm and realized that I was craving some time on my mat, but opted to keep going with what I was working on. Then I put if off some more, as Trey and I had to run out for some items to make dinner. I decided to "just do the yin yoga practice again" in spite of the fact that I actually wanted something that might have involved a few jump backs, twists, and a moderate challenge. I then decided to take a very different (and retrospectively educational) approach to the yin practice I was settling on than the night before.

First, since I was having trouble getting into the mindset and quieting myself down, I plugged into my iPod. Chose what is, for me, relatively calm music - the Sugarcubes, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Cat Stevens, Duran Duran, and Nouvelle Vague. (Go ahead and laugh.) And then I decided to counteract all the hunching over I'd done at the computer all day by remaining in backbends a for a good while. In fact, I switched out one of the postures called for, saddle, in favor of repeating a backbend. While making myself hold seal for a little longer than I thought I perhaps should, I swear I felt myself pop a little more alert. As I tried to finish the practice, I began feeling more and more hurried, half-heartedly went through trying to chill myself back out a little, and only dedicated about a minute to savasana at the end. I was *up*, even though I felt somewhat physically relaxed. I managed to slow myself down a little as the night progressed, but had a tremendous time getting to sleep and popped awake after only about four hours sleep.

And so this morning? I am a *grouch* who feels like she's had eighteen cups of coffee, who can very clearly see why. First, I didn't need that yin practice yesterday, I needed something more active, and although I realized that I chose to ignore the fact. Second, I probably should have left the iPod on the coffee table. Third, I didn't tune in enough to have any amount of respect for my practice - otherwise, I wouldn't have forced myself into holding poses for so long that I knew could have a somewhat detrimental effect (just 'cause it's a yin practice doesn't mean those backbends won't rev me up if I overdo). How ironic is it that in trying to tone out for the evening I put myself into overdrive?

But, as icky as I feel right now, it's a lesson in mindfulness. And the fact that my dog and my husband are both hiding from me makes it especially potent. I've decided that one of the bits of artwork I'll put into my developing yoga space will incorporate the words, "Tune in first.", and will be placed in very plain sight. Or I might scratch that in favor of the word "backbend" enhanced by a peacefully-hued prohibitory symbol. Heck, both might help. However, I wonder if it all doesn't boil down to the simple adage, "It's all in the approach." (Maybe I need all three of those....)

wildly forgetful

I'll be honest. I forgot to put up an entry today. And now that I'm faced with the entry screen, I'm completely forgetting what I'd intended to write in the first place. I do need to mention that I might not be posting as much this week - Trey and I are gearing up to launch a business, and I need to get back to work on setting up our house.

I wound up *really* getting into my practice on Friday. What started as a series of gentle stretches to help me unwind after a busy day turned into about an hour of playing with asanas I haven't bothered with in forever. Discovered that holding Side Plank on my left side is now an option (my left shoulder was injured at the end of the summer) without having to drop my knee to the floor. Fueled by that ability, I decided to play around with Wild Thing. Didn't think I'd be able to do it in a million years - the last time I attempted it I fell flat on my butt after twisting my shoulder. Why, yes, I *was* trying to force it and flip too quickly, why do you ask? I'm still not sure what inspired me to work my way into it on Friday, but I did, and was really happy to rediscover how much fun it can be to work with. Made the flip (carefully) and back into Downward Facing Dog (likewise) without the wobbles and shakes I expected. All in all, I was surprised at how I underestimated myself *and* yoga, not only was I able to do things I didn't think I'd be able to do yet, I saw that I haven't been giving yoga the props it deserves in building strength and confidence.

Off for a few rounds of Chandra Namaskar and some tea - in addition to forgetting to post an entry, guess who also worked her way right through the normal time for her practice today? Better late than not at all!

if i could sit down today...

And didn't I just write about down time and taking care of myself? Whattaya gonna do, right? Actually, it's fine - I've been to lunch and shopping with Mom, and am starting to get the house ready for a small gathering Trey and I are hosting tomorrow evening.

But if I could sit down, I might indulge in a Zencast episode. You can find the podcast and various musings here.

Now, how's that for a way to recommend a favorite podcast? Now for tea (new fave is Yogi Tea's Egyptian Licorice), and on to cleaning.

another eurekaduh

Light. Shed. Wow. Sometimes I'm amazed at my ability to ignore the obvious, but at least I caught the issue early in my process of getting back to yoga and taking on new projects.

Yesterday, while reading this entry in Sadie Nardini's blog at Yoga Journal, I congratulated myself on having found better balance with regards to giving to myself as much as I give to others. This morning, I had a moment of, "Uh, back it up a bit, sister." What brought this on was the realization that I've been feeling a little run down since taking up my yoga practice again and starting this blog. Writing and yoga are two of my favorite things, why would they make me feel run down? Well, considering that I have I-have-to-take-care-of-everything complex, subtracting a couple of hours from days that were already pretty full was bound to bring about such a reaction, right? Not really. The time's there, so that was more a matter of time management.

Damned if I didn't feel a little bit guilty. I caught myself trying to talk myself out of an evening practice today, because there are other things that I should be devoting my attention to. I started wondering if posting to this blog was a bad thing - why should I spend an hour writing when there are so many other things to be done?

Eureka and duh, because I want to. And because if I don't give to myself, I can't give to anyone else from anything resembling a place of sincerity. I can perform the acts, but grudgingly. Making matters worse, when overly-taxed enough I get *snappy*. Giving should be from the heart, and taking care of and making others happy is something I thrive upon, but it's hard to do that when I'm depleted. So enough already - having had the "eurekaduh" moment, I don't feel guilty anymore, but I'll admit that putting this new approach into action might be a bit challenging. I'm going to give myself a restorative practice and a mani/pedi to help start this process.

And after that, following Sadie Nardini's lead, I think I'm going out to buy myself some flowers.

this was me

I thought I would take on an "easy" practice last night, twenty minutes of Surya Namaskar A and B. And, yes, that abbreviated podcast practice used to be a good one for when I wanted something a little bit challenging, but not overly so. If my muscles were sore, or I wasn't feeling particularly energetic, it was a good go-to. Well, let me tell you what it was like yesterday. Actually, I'll show you! Let's have a film strip, boys and girls, as a special treat! Oh, boy!



There. You. Go! And that comparison popped right into my head as I wobbled up and out of Savasana and tilted down the hall to sit, staring and very, very still, on the living room floor for a good hour. While I was going through my practice, my husband and the dog stood a safe distance and watched for a couple of minutes - then both looked confused (I was glaring) and left. I made it all the way through, though, without having to collapse for a round, as I was very tempted to do. And, in sharp contrast to the one and only time I let my husband talk me into getting on the ride featured in the video, I'm looking forward to having another go. Something kicked in yesterday that I want to feel kick in again - can't put it into words, but it's been gone for a while. The best description would be equal parts confidence and inspiration with a dash of bliss, that left me feeling not-quite-so-overwhelmed by a growing to-do list. (I guess I just got it into words after all, didn't I?) Perhaps it's as simple as a sense of accomplishment, but I find I'm raring to go this morning - having trouble roping in all of the ideas for things I suddenly *want* to get done, rather than feeling as though I *have to*.



Enjoy your day!

svadhya....huh? where was i?

I have a tendency, a big one, to overanalyze things and completely zizz myself out. Truth: I am a very analytical Type A personality with ADD who suffers from anxiety that will, if left unchecked, spiral into epic panic attacks. This...looking for a sarcastic descriptive phrase....symposium of goodness means that I struggle a bit with self-study, svadhyaya. I'll stress over not being able to focus, or focus so hard on getting my self-study right that I stress all over again. I'll analyze things, wondering why they happened and why I allowed them to happen and so forth, until I zip myself into needing a Hyland's Calms. (And, yes, I do have a therapist, thanks!) After writing about my yogier-than-thou phase, searching back over the various parts of my pre-injury/illness practice and trying to figure out the the reason behind the psychology of that time, I re-stumbled upon something that totally derailed that weighty process. (Good thing, since I was doing "that thing I do" and starting to give myself a migraine by picking it all to death.)

A fun, pink-and-leopard-print surprise popped out of some old podcasts I uncovered while transferring my backed-up music into iTunes on my new computer, Kimberly Wilson's Hip Tranquil Chick. I see my copy of the Hip Tranquil Chick book every day, and maintain a subscription to the podcast (now called Tranquility du Jour), but hadn't perused the older episodes since my initial encounter. That was Fall 2006, I was about to make a glorious mistake in marrying a handsome *nevermind*, and I found the link to the Hip Tranquil Chick blog through Googling something about yoga and women. Downloaded every episode, put them on my iPod, and listened over and over again. After making my mistake (ahem) official and becoming a harried little homemaker, for a while I listened to that podcast over a cup of pomegranate-goji berry green tea every day after lunch. It was something I didn't need to structure or apply effort to that was incredibly beneficial, a nice little hit of inspiration, empowerment, and fun that carried over into my everyday life with my hardly realizing it. (I'm all about glittery gel pens and using my Hello Kitty-covered PlannerPad as a sort of visual journal. And it's all Kimberly's fault. haha)

At first, I chastised myself for being distracted by a podcast as I nailed my attention back to my oh-so-serious backtracking. But then I started to look through the episodes, having instance after instance of, "Oh! I remember that one!". I got my copy of Hip Tranquil Chick back out and started reading it again, and took up my old habit of listening to an episode of the podcast every day. And I realized something through this rediscovery: Distractions, out-of-the-blue thoughts or memories that seem completely unrelated, can be an essential part of the process, as backwards as that may sound. I realized that sometimes what's pereceived as a distraction during the process of self study can actually be a pointer towards something that will help you find what you're looking for, or it can be a signal that you've done the work you need to do for the time being - if you back away a bit, you'll arrive at your answer (or vice versa).

The answer I was looking for? Down time is your friend, and I know that, but I have issues embracing the concept - a good chunk of the reason behind the yoga overkill I referenced ealier. If you don't chill and enjoy your life, you don't reap the full benefits of your practice. Simple, yes, but a huge realization for me. (And as a bonus, I've rediscovered a great source of of advice and inspiration at the perfect time - new husband, new home, new life, new blog, gearing towards a new business....*yeah*.)


One more thing: Before I jot out of here and completely forget to tell you - Kimberly Wilson has a new book out, Tranquilista, that I'm planning to devour in short order. Can't wait!

And just in case you didn't believe me about the Hello Kitty PlannerPad:



(Oh, yeah. I've got the Hello Kitty sickness, and I'm proud of it.)

ch-ch-ch-ch-......(yes, you thought right)

Ahhh, change. It's good, right? Even when it seems bad, if you're trusting that the Universe has a plan, it's alright. Right?

One would think I'd be a pro at the whole thing, as I've definitely received universal nudges (or kicks, in my case - I am stubborn). I've learned to navigate tidal waves of change, for reasons that I'm sure I'll write about later. However, it's now, at a time that things seem to have settled, that I find myself having difficulty treading day-in-day-out water.

For the longest time, it was just Totsi, my dog, and me. Even during my last marriage, I was alone 90% of the time. I am accustomed to going about my day as I see fit. Now? I have a household with more than one pet and husband who actually cares about where things go and how things are done, gives a damn about how things may or may not affect my life, and likes to go places and do things with me. Don't get me wrong - Trey and I are insanely compatible, we're both a little "out there", and share a love of many "out there" things. We're not the typical suburban couple, nor will we ever be, and it's wonderful. Wow - I was really about to ramble...

Let's try putting it this way: *Being with Trey* is fantastic. I have never felt such kinship with someone. Living with Trey is great, too. The hard part is reshaping how I live, adapting to another person's preferences, whims, and patterns. The pattern I'd gotten into, the way I arranged my days? That doesn't work so well now. It's a welcome upheaval, as I was getting into a fairly isolative place, but it's an upheaval nonetheless. And my house, that I'd planned such amazing things for? I have to share it now, which means his opinions matter - I want him to be happy here. And there are times when doing so, when simply allowing change to take place and observing how things fall without freaking, is acutely challenging.

So having admitted my quandary, what do I intend to do about it? First of all, I'm allowing myself to admit that certain aspects of it all are distressing. Like I said, upheaval is upheaval - when you've been in a comfy, cozy rut, leaving it can be distressing, even if the reason is a happy one. (And just as I keyed that, his %*(&*# cat popped my beloved dog who yelped and is gloriously upset. Breathing. Breathing some more.) For me, admitting the difficulty is the easy part. Yoga helped me work my way through some fairly cataclysmic changes over the past few years, eased my grief through some frankly rough stuff - the physical sensation of release and relaxation after practice, alone, was profoundly beneficial. But as I embrace all of the joy and excitement I'm feeling over all the great stuff that's happening now and is on the horizon, I need take the very same approach I did with the changes I didn't want to swallow.

That approach was to let go. And I fought at first, oh, hell, did I ever fight - but when I just cut that out and let things be, circumstances began to change for the better. And with something better to focus upon, maintaining that state of letting go became a bit easier. Not skip-through-the-daisies-singing-Brady-Bunch-songs easy, mind you, but easier in the sense that I realized a greater solution had to come just as all the smaller solutions had. I read article upon article on the topic, wrote in my journal, reasoned everything out, and knew what I needed to do. However, the concept didn't make sense until smack dab in the middle of my practice one evening, when I had to admit that I was pushing myself too hard to achieve photograph form of a particular asana. It dawned on me that I had to accept where I was, be there, and let go of the injurious effort I was applying - a eureka moment with a big dash of "Duh!". Bolstered by that realization, I let go of the upending situations in my life, and once I gave those changes some room to breathe and work, I got my bearings and was better equipped to cope with everything that was happening. I regained my own ability to breathe and work - a fair trade.

In hindsight, I guess I came to treat change as I wanted it to treat me, if that makes sense. Once I let up, I got the same in return - subsequently, both of our respective processes were able to move along. And damned if that's not a whopper of a good analogy for learning my way around in this new marriage, and the new life it's brought. (That in itself is a whole other entry!) Eureka, and duh!

Note: Yoga Journal has a great article on dealing with change. I've bookmarked it for handy reference.

snowballasana

As you might have heard, the Southeast experienced a rare snowstorm yesterday, which resulted in up to seven inches in parts of my area. The snow ruled the day, as it very well should have - I'm a firm believer in anything that has the capacity to bring out the inner child. Even my impatience was fun; the first flakes didn't fall until around 3.00pm, and until that point I wandered to the front door, and then to the back, squinting at the green of pine trees thinking the contrast would help me to better see the starting moment. I made soup, baked cookies, checked outside. Downloaded a few new yoga podcasts, stirred the soup, sampled a cookie, and checked outside again. Wrote in my journal, checked Facebook to see if any local friends had posted that the snow had started at their places, and checked outside. My mom called - the snow had started at her place. A friend called - he was creeping along the interstate a few hours away, so he definitely had it. Another friend posted that she had snow, and she lives only ten minutes away.

FINALLY we got our turn, and everything but all things snow stopped. Yesterday evening and into the night, I was running and playing in the snow with my husband and dog. We'd go out, he and I would pelt each other with snowballs (which the dog would try to catch), and then we'd come in to dry off and recover, after which we'd go right back out again. It was bliss!

And through all of that, I never managed to make it to my mat - which was exactly as yesterday needed to be. For a while, I told myself I *should* go through the motions, but every time I would decide to get up and do so, my husband would want to go back out into the snow. After the third time this happened, I realized it was more important to go with *that* flow instead of breaking it for a flow of asanas. Yoga teaches us to be present to the moment, to take things in, be right where we are; and I needed to be fully in the experience of yesterday - running, throwing snowballs, calling my husband a "jackleg" every time he popped me with one, laughing until I hurt, and taking in the beauty of snow-covered everything. Yesterday was a time to take my yoga off the mat.

That said, I might need to take it back to the mat for a bit before I go back out this morning. My muscles are seriously sore from all that play!

still no change, but a woo hoo

Let's reverse the order - first, the "woo hoo!":

Sadie Nardini's going to be blogging it up at Yoga Journal!

I'm a huge Sadie Nardini fan. Her book, Road Trip Guide to the Soul, is one of my favorites - truly life-changing. I'm actually about to give it a second run-through as a refresher course. Definitely check it out! I've got a link to her stuff at the Huffington Post in my web haunts list - again, definitely check it out! And just before my ankle put me out of yoga comission, I finally tried to follow along with some of her YouTube sequences - they kicked my ever livin' tail, but I'm looking forward to giving them another go once my stamina's up just a little bit. Her DVD's will definitely be making their way into my collection, I'm sure.

And as for the change I was going to write about? Well...the balcony-lurking primary source of all that change has finally moved his stuff into what's now our home, so we've got to get to work setting up house.

Have a brilliant evening!

a cool thing and a later thing

I'm trying to write up a proper entry all about change and dealing with it, however, one of the primary reasons for the change I am trying to write about has thrown a wrench in the writing works. In the spirit of going with the flow, letting it all be, and just chilling the hell out, I have decided to hit "save" and stow it for tomorrow.

But I still had to jot in and share a new feature at Yoga Journal's website: LiveMag. (Or is it supposed to be two distinct words?)

Now, would you tell me how to coax the aforementioned primary source of change (also known as Trey, my husband) out of situations like this, and regain my focus after such things have taken place? (This was taken a few days ago, but things in a similar vein involving tennis balls were happening.)



Breathing...(but laughing, too)...

one of these satyas is not like the other one...

In case you're having a "say what?" moment, "satya", in embarassingly general terms, means "truth". I'd expound, but I'm currently recovering from today's practice, which is what got my blog entry wheels spinning during a moment of "Oh, WOW! I can do that!" (So please excuse any totally out there spelling and grammatical moments. I feel slightly high.)

For the past month or so, I've been gradually easing back into a more challenging daily practice by going through a slow-paced series of hip openers and twists with some down dogs, planks, and forward folds thrown in for good measure. The primary reason was relaxation at first - I missed yoga, but was convinced I was still too weak to push myself too hard...yatta yatta. So I took it easy, and after a little while noticed that months of lingering tightness was gone. In one of those first stretchy/twisty practices, I was astonished when I began to perspire after a simple down dog/plank/down dog transition - and pleasantly surprised to find that it became much easier quickly. I congratulated myself on allowing myself to be completely honest about my recovering body's capabilities; by not pushing it, I made genuine progress.

Today, as I was trying to decide what kind of practice I felt would be best, I caught myself applying huge doses of caution. "Oh, no. Keep it simple. Be honest with yourself. Why not just do three rounds of sun salutations and some gentle reclining twists? Remember, Annalisa, you're not up to snuff." I didn't want that. I wanted to sweat and be challenged, to feel my body opening back up as my mind settled, but I tried to tell myself that I needed just the opposite.

I went with my gut, and chose a twenty minute intermediate practice from the Jiva Diva Yoga Jam podcast - my favorite yoga podcast ever. Part of me fought that decision - my gut was saying one thing, and my head was saying another. I decided if I got weak, if something started to hurt, I'd quit or sub a more accessible asana.

Neither was necessary. In fact, I don't think I've ever moved through that practice as easily. Revolved triangle gave me a bit of a tremble, but considering this was the most vigorous practice I've had since...nevermind when, I think that's understandable. (At least my hand went all the way to the floor outside my foot!) The whole time the nagging little voice was there, telling me I was taking on too much, too soon, but I knew otherwise. I even almost tried to kick up into headstand from half headstand, but when my arms shook like mad as one foot came off the floor, I knew it was best to leave it alone for now.

This helped me realize that I need to learn to identify when I'm really being truthful with myself. Sounds totally convoluted, right? Well, I've exerted myself. I'm still a little shaky. I might need another cup of tea, even, and a cookie. All those gentle, stretchy, easy practices were precisely what I needed to do, and prepared me for today's practice quite well. (I'm still amazed!) The resistance to that practice, the nagging voice of reason that told me I should avoid taking on too much? Well, I have to say, my comfortable little evening practice has been nice. Easy's good. I'm human, and I like easy. So it was only natural that part of me would resist something not-so-easy, and that using the "truth" about my capabilities would very easily enable me to keep that pattern going for a little while longer. The truth was what came from my gut - and it turned out to be more powerful than I ever thought it could be, including the part that led me to not take on headstand just yet. Not only was I able to move through the more challenging practice, I was able to move through it quite well. So much for the limiting voice of "truth", huh?

I'd finish this up with a fun statement about when satya isn't satya, but I'll be honest: I need to chill. I'm blissfully beat!

enthusiastically noncommittedly content

In mulling over how *into my whole yoga thing* I used to be, I was struck by a pattern within my approach that disturbed me a bit. While I can see that this pattern definitely had its beneficial side, I'm also seeing that certain aspects of it were to the detriment of my practice. The very into-ness, my enthusiasm and commitment, went a little too far, and subsequently numbed me a bit. Let me give you a few examples before I ramble myself silly...

I had notebooks of sequences and articles, and kept journals of my progress. For a time, I took something to study to my mat before practice, and would set that as something to ponder while I moved through the day's prescribed practice (yep, planned not only the practice but what to think about during). This was, I thought, what I was supposed to do - I had to be a focused, serious yogini (all the while proclaiming how fun it was), dedicated to her lofty ponder-osity, more aligned than the most aligned anything ever was. If I failed to reach my practice goals (wince), I beat myself up a little, all the while denying I was doing anything of the sort. (We're talking whacked, people. It was freakin' insane.)

A point came when I decided I had to have a particular label or brand of yoga, and once I hopped on one, I wouldn't allow myself to practice anything outside of that particular vein. For a while, I wouldn't look at anything that wasn't Jivamukti. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some Jivamukti, but when I hit it I became something of a little Jivamukti snob. And then I decided to try Kundalini. Buh-bye, Jivamukti! (Sing with me! "So long, farewell, auf weidersehen goobye!") Wouldn't go near anything but Kundalini - I was Kundalini this, Kundalini that, awakening and arising and sat nam-ing my behind off. Then guess what happened? I went into just general vinyasa, and, yes, I actually said that. I was open. So open, in fact, to just general vinyasa (yowza) that if presented with, say, the idea of checking out Anusara or Iyengar or anything else with what I perceived as a *label* offended me a little. See how open I was? I freed myself right into a very open locked general vinyasa chamber.

While I'm very familiar with the 20/20 nature hindsight possesses, this realization has been particularly keen, and I think my hardass approach might have a lot to do with why I've been so resistant to the idea of approaching yoga again. If you would have presented me with that thought at this time yesterday, I'd likely have rolled my eyes, but, yes, I *did* enthuse and commit myself into burnout and avoidance. But I definitely learned a lot through that approach, just like I've learned a lot about myself by seeing its effects.

Okay, okay, I'm getting to the point! All those journals and notebooks of articles? They're gone. My need for branding, or even anti-branding? Likewise. I can't fathom taking such a militaristic approach this time around. How dissatisfied was I with what I was doing, and with myself, that I felt I had to prove something to such a degree? This time, I'm out to prove nothing. Yes, I will throw myself into my practice with enthusiasm, but with a dash of santosha, contentedness. I'm committed to enjoying the experience. Wherever my practice is, it's fine. Whatever discipline (or not) I choose to approach, cool. If I want to get on my mat and do nothing but downward facing dogs for an hour, even, fine and dandy, and if I want to do those downward facing dogs to Led Zepplin? Yes, please! For the first time, I feel like I'm developing a practice that's honestly reflective of who I am.

Now, let's hope I don't go too far with this approach and wind up practicing in a clown getup. In public.

getting my butt back...

Okay - briefly:

After, oh, about six months away from a consistent yoga practice due to a sprained ankle (jumped out of a swing) and injuries to my shoulder and hip (ex boyfriend's Harley went down), then health issues, and life issues, a new relationship that's led to marriage (best thing ever!), new pets, my house becoming our house and said house being redone...you with me? Good. I need to get back to my practice.

Actually, wait a second, what I wanted to say was, "I need to get my butt back on the mat." So forget I said the "back to my practice" thing, as the "get my butt back" thing is much more authentically me. (And, now that I think about it, getting back to the mat will help me get my butt back, now, won't it? Score!)

Anyway, I've gotten back into the habit of a short practice late in the evening, and am definitely ready to get back into the full swing of it. Just one hitch: When you're away from something for so long, an old habit can be hard to reestablish. So as I lamented this lack of motivation one evening, my husband suggested I start a yoga blog. "Nah, tried that before", I said, "and it didn't really speak to me". Well, that was because I tried to write about it in an incredibly weighty way that I didn't relate to. Long story short, in a state of near exhaustive collapse after a mega-round of domestic purging this weekend that included clearing the space for my personal yoga "studio" (it's a foyer, but still), I decided to allow my husband to be right.

So here's my yoga blog, in its rough draft form. And here's a bad phone snapshot of the blank canvas that is my yoga foyer:



I'd say something about the cool link between the blank space of the yoga foyer and my renewed practice and so forth, but I'm too tired to go there right now. Maybe tomorrow, after some recuperative hijinks with my husband. (I need beer - in moderation - and rock-n-roll in excess, and a brand new sparkly purple pedicure, stat!)