enthusiastically noncommittedly content

In mulling over how *into my whole yoga thing* I used to be, I was struck by a pattern within my approach that disturbed me a bit. While I can see that this pattern definitely had its beneficial side, I'm also seeing that certain aspects of it were to the detriment of my practice. The very into-ness, my enthusiasm and commitment, went a little too far, and subsequently numbed me a bit. Let me give you a few examples before I ramble myself silly...

I had notebooks of sequences and articles, and kept journals of my progress. For a time, I took something to study to my mat before practice, and would set that as something to ponder while I moved through the day's prescribed practice (yep, planned not only the practice but what to think about during). This was, I thought, what I was supposed to do - I had to be a focused, serious yogini (all the while proclaiming how fun it was), dedicated to her lofty ponder-osity, more aligned than the most aligned anything ever was. If I failed to reach my practice goals (wince), I beat myself up a little, all the while denying I was doing anything of the sort. (We're talking whacked, people. It was freakin' insane.)

A point came when I decided I had to have a particular label or brand of yoga, and once I hopped on one, I wouldn't allow myself to practice anything outside of that particular vein. For a while, I wouldn't look at anything that wasn't Jivamukti. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some Jivamukti, but when I hit it I became something of a little Jivamukti snob. And then I decided to try Kundalini. Buh-bye, Jivamukti! (Sing with me! "So long, farewell, auf weidersehen goobye!") Wouldn't go near anything but Kundalini - I was Kundalini this, Kundalini that, awakening and arising and sat nam-ing my behind off. Then guess what happened? I went into just general vinyasa, and, yes, I actually said that. I was open. So open, in fact, to just general vinyasa (yowza) that if presented with, say, the idea of checking out Anusara or Iyengar or anything else with what I perceived as a *label* offended me a little. See how open I was? I freed myself right into a very open locked general vinyasa chamber.

While I'm very familiar with the 20/20 nature hindsight possesses, this realization has been particularly keen, and I think my hardass approach might have a lot to do with why I've been so resistant to the idea of approaching yoga again. If you would have presented me with that thought at this time yesterday, I'd likely have rolled my eyes, but, yes, I *did* enthuse and commit myself into burnout and avoidance. But I definitely learned a lot through that approach, just like I've learned a lot about myself by seeing its effects.

Okay, okay, I'm getting to the point! All those journals and notebooks of articles? They're gone. My need for branding, or even anti-branding? Likewise. I can't fathom taking such a militaristic approach this time around. How dissatisfied was I with what I was doing, and with myself, that I felt I had to prove something to such a degree? This time, I'm out to prove nothing. Yes, I will throw myself into my practice with enthusiasm, but with a dash of santosha, contentedness. I'm committed to enjoying the experience. Wherever my practice is, it's fine. Whatever discipline (or not) I choose to approach, cool. If I want to get on my mat and do nothing but downward facing dogs for an hour, even, fine and dandy, and if I want to do those downward facing dogs to Led Zepplin? Yes, please! For the first time, I feel like I'm developing a practice that's honestly reflective of who I am.

Now, let's hope I don't go too far with this approach and wind up practicing in a clown getup. In public.