did she make it?

At the beginning of the month, while on the couch recovering from the whopping panic attack, I decided I would start a practice of giving myself a few monthly challenges (inspired by Kimberly Wilson), picked from a list of things I've been meaning to get to. Rather than set a number of them and try to squish them all in, I let myself pick out ones that drew me as I went along. After my manager-realization moment, one of my goals was to shut over-active inner manager the hell up - this approach helped accomplish that quite nicely.

So - after putting my rambunctious inner manager in time out (that would be the first), I got down to:

Learning to play guitar - bought my first guitar last week, and am loving it, in spite of the sore fingers.

Packing bento - I've had my Hello Kitty bento box since August, but had yet to fill it. This is going to become an obsession, and I've even decided to start a bento blog. (I know, I work from home, which might make such a portable lunch seem pointless. Here's a peek into why they work well for those who do. Plus, it allows me a relaxing, creative start to the day.)

Giving the FlyLady system an honest go - I really only got down to this over the past two weeks, and was sick for one of those, but this 15-minutes-a-day thing really works. We even have organized kitchen drawers and a clean front yard now. (Hold on - - the earth's going to stop for a second....)

And - duh duh dunhhhhh - get a plan together for really launching this business in a way that's true to who Trey and I are. Done, done, and done. We're ready to go.

Panic attack and icky cold considered, I'm really pleased. That might seem like a short list, but each item encompassed a lot - from becoming a little more organized in my approach to allowing myself to move fun to the forefront. Over the next day or two, I'll post April's to-try list (meant to do that for this month, but forgot - how ironic).

so bad but too good

Damn. Sometimes Sonic has to happen. And I relish every single bad-for-me bite and get my blood pumping a while later to make everything right with my conscience. Sonic had to happen today, and it happened large, with cheese and fried strips of jalapeno peppers. I did not eat the free tater tots or drink the cherry limeade. But I ate a thing the size of my head over the course of two hours. While I'm proud of my restraint in only consuming the main course, I'm downright astonished that I ate the *entire* main course. And this wasn't unconscious eating - I knew exactly what I was doing, and quite enjoyed making a pig of myself.

But then, there was guilt. One small human does not need that much food. Fast food, at that. Granted, I will happily indulge in cupcakes and small ice creams at whim, but what I ate today was a year of those. While wallowing in my guilt-and-fat-laden state (Thanksgiving stupor? Amateur to this. Amateur, I tell you), I remembered something from Sadie Nardini's Road Trip Guide To The Soul. To sum it up - when you go off track, do something to reaffirm where you want to be.

I made a cup of green tea, and once I wasn't quite as blurgh (it's a word in my universe), put on my iPod and had a healthy round of cardio. For dinner, I had a small salad and the yummiest bowl of soup I've ever concocted - broccoli, celery, bok choy, and onions in a miso/soy/ginger/garlic stock.

And a cupcake. Improvements don't mean I'm perfect. But it wasn't a very big cupcake.

plannedted

Yes, "plannedted". That's me. I'd planned a few things, but around 4pm yesterday realized I was suddenly very, very cold. Allergies? No. There's a monster cold running rampant, and I managed to get tagged. Oh, well. Needless to say, there was no soothing practice yesterday afternoon, and I crashed out around 10pm in a daze of cold meds, my husband's video game providing the soundtrack to dreams of bipedal cats and living rooms decorated in what I swear looked like Handi Wipes. For all the things I'd planned, I've wound up planted. Hence, planted. Yes, it is silly isn't it?

I was prepared to mope and bemoan my sniffly, feverish, reclining state when I visited Kimberly Wilson's blog and read today's entry. Damned good advice, that. So in the same vein, I've decided to list out things that are actually making me feel good - even when I'm sick:

San-X characters - in particular Beer-Chan and Tarepanda
A slew of bento-related blogs, Bento Central is a good place to start
The little paper toys I assembled from templates found on Toy a Day
My new guitar
Seeing my husband talk on the pink princess phone I insist upon having in the living room
One of our cats trying to hop on the counter and going for a ride on a potholder
My dog, who is human, and also a seat thief
Mini lights
Onigiri and miso soup
Blue nail polish
Sandal weather, even though I'm cooped up at the moment
The new red, grommet-festooned jacket I can't wait to wear
Blooms on the Red Bud tree behind my house
Lunch plans with Mom for tomorrow
Deciding to not have writer's block


Now - let's see if I can keep up this mindset all day.

how does "om" sound with a stuffy nose?

The written version of that sound was what I wanted to use as a title for this post. Oh, well. It's probably best I not try to figure it out. The reason behind my stuffy nose, as you have probably guessed, is a whopping bout of seasonal allergies. I go through this every year, yet am always surprised at just how completely icky I feel. Typically, I'm laid out flu-style for a couple of days (there now), and then the worst moseys on and my symptoms cooperate with my Allergiemittel. (The best remedy ever, in my opinion.) However, this is the second allergy smack-down I've suffered this season, and it's done its damndest thus far to outdo the first. Something's got to give - popping pills only provides temporary relief, and a girl can only stand so much steam and hot tea.

Here are some resources I've found helpful over yesterday and today:

The Yoga for Allergies section in About-dot-com's yoga section.

Yoga Journal offers a this article on modifying one's practice, another on ayurvedic measures, and a sequence to help bring relief, as well as lots more.

And finally, Yogi Tea's Breathe Deep has helped clear my stuffy head on more than one occasion. Just pay attention to any herbs you might be allergic to!

Confession: I've never tried a neti pot. They scare me, and I realize I'm being about five years old by saying that, but it's true.

Now, all of that said, I'm off to finish today's stuff so I can have my (allergy-appropriate) practice and play with my new guitar.

my great debate

Actually, this kind of addresses more than one debate. First, I didn't know if I should address this topic in this blog. Then, I'll admit, I'm struggling a bit with entry material - - so it makes sense to address it. Flip side? It might seem petty. Other side of the flip side? Well, it's yoga-related. Kind of.

I'm talking about my yoga area. In the very first entry, I posted a picture of the space that is to become my little in-home yoga sanctuary. It looks the very same now - decorating it became a tight little wad of not-so-much fun, so I left it alone as I collected and discarded idea upon idea. Nothing felt right. And I know myself - if that space doesn't feel right, it'll do nothing but collect mail, flipflops, and purse while I move from spot to spot in the house with my mat. I finally had to sit down and grill myself about what would most inspire me to create a great yoga space and actually use it.

Something interesting came up when I started brainstorming, and I quote: "Bamboo flutes and dripping water give me hives." And then? "Soothing tones do not soothe me." Well, there's something to start on, no? I went on for a bit after that in a profanity-laden spew that sincerely helped me clarify what I do NOT want in a yoga space, and what I WILL have if I so choose, the high point of which expressed that I will damn well have a disco ball if I want it. (I will not have a disco ball. That was frustrated smartassery talking.) I also made it quite clear in my list that I am not Ghandi, as if anyone would ever dare hazard that comparison. So now that I know what I'm not going for, what am I going to do?

I have no freakin' idea beyond "not typical". But at least I've distilled the idea pool down to that!

wowzers

It really is Monday already. And it's spring, even, which always has a dual effect on me: I become supremely motivated, wanting to outrace everything that's waking up and blooming and have a million projects finished before everything reaches its peak; but on the flip side, I get knocked down with epic allergies sometimes that render me all but useless. Guess which side of things decided to surface last night? No worries - this is nothing that miso soup, green tea, and a dose of allergy medicine won't clear up in short order.

Trey and I managed to accomplish everything we wanted last week, but through all of that, I noticed that I was still uncomfortable with letting myself have down time - even though I'd given myself permission and ample space to do so. How is relaxation possible when it seems I'm simply not wired to relax? I want to be writing, creating, anything but sitting down and doing the opposite. It's becoming increasingly difficult to get myself to shut down at the end of the day.

So - is this a good thing or a bad thing? Perhaps it's simply time for me to act, to kick myself into high gear and accomplish all of these things on my burgeoning want-to-do list. I'm going keep up with very grounding, settling practices to keep myself in check, but my core is telling me to dive in full-force. While I don't want another round of anxiety/panic, I also know that *not* getting stuff done tends to stress me out more than overdoing. Just as it is on the mat, this is about finding my edge and going past it *just enough* to challenge/encourage, but not harm.

Off to sneeze, drink tea, and get down to unraveling some serious time management challenges.

one week

Hi there!

Trey and I are taking this week to prepare our house for a flip. Yes, we have done this before. And now we want it flipped back. Along with our domestic acrobatics, we've got mad business stuff to take care of, none of which can wait.

So I'll see you a week from today. Enjoy your week, and good luck with all that you have going on!

...or not

No mailbox moment today. I know, thank goodness, right? Instead, though, I had a yoga mat moment. Yesterday was rainy and sneezy and busy, and today was rainy and sneezy - I took care of a few minor things, but spent most of the day under a blanket, listening to rain on the roof and reading all about bento. (Obento?) A point came when I *had* to have my practice. I felt cooped up, confined, and tight on all levels; and in spite of being a bit sneezy and scratchy-throated, had to get to my mat.

I spent a good while in child's pose, balasana. While I was there, I remembered a moment a few years ago when I realized the very feeling of my mat under my feet, something that simple, could send a signal that it was time to slow down and come into a more settled place. While I don't think I've lost touch with that, I think something in the fact that I went into practice strongly seeking relief sent that point home again with especially strong acuity. With the feel of the mat, I had a sense of, "Okay, I know what to do, and I know this is going to help."

As I moved through a really simple series of asanas, I realized that I was allowing myself to avoid anything that might do something other than bring me to my senses and leave me relaxed. Stretching I wanted, but nothing too exerting. Twisting? No. Thought about it, but let it slide - twists will be there. Dolphin pose? Right on. And it felt amazing. But what was more amazing was the subtle fact that I allowed myself to keep it simple and soothing with no self-reminders. I don't know if it was due to having absorbed a lesson on a deeper level or just flat-out feeling like doody, but it was a definitely a good thing.

(Take THAT, inner micro-manager! HA!)

Overall, it was a good reminder to simply have a little more faith in myself. I know my intuition will tell me what's best, what to do, and what to avoid - but coming into a place where I can listen to it can be challenging for me. I tend to try too hard - or try NOT to try, if that makes any sense whatsoever. And I can't put into words what led me to be out of my own way yesterday, and in the "mailbox moments" earlier in the week - but it's cool to know that I was finally able to ditch the effort and let that knowing come through.

managerial

I had another "mailbox moment" today. On Monday, I had a pouncing realization of a need to change habits and approaches (and approaches to habits?) based on a reaction to pulling our new business cards out of the mail. And today, The E-Myth Revisited arrived. (Heard about it through Kimberly Wilson's podcast.) I brought it inside, put it on the counter, ran errands, unwrapped it, put it in my purse (!), and finally settled down to read it after dinner.

Before today's "mailbox moment", however, I spent Monday and Tuesday sorting out some things pertaining to the first one. Instead of diving back into an overload of business-related busy work after Monday's lunch, I dove into figuring my shit out. And I figured out that I tend to do-mode myself into tolerating all sorts of things in the name of getting things done - basically should-ing myself into fairly profound distress. Even something as simple as a tense crick in my back can be ignored so a graphic can be aligned perfectly at the top of a promotional flier. Once I listed everything out, I realized what to change, and set an intention to do so. There's a lot to be said for veggie maki, goji berry green tea, an afternoon walk, and the occasional downward facing dog after a few hours of desk work. But even as I figured it out and set about doing things differently, I wondered if I'd be able to keep myself in check.

Okay, now back to today. After dinner, I snuggled into a chair and started reading and taking notes. The moment I hit the concept of The Entrepreneur, The Manager, and The Technician, a lot of things made sense. Yes, I can see those aspects of myself - easily. And, I'll just be, look at how the managerial aspect has been driving me absolutely bananas! My manager has all but driven my entrepreneur to rehab and has my technician wanting to slaughter her. Seriously! I'd even categorized things so that I was surprised I could glean such an amazing life-wide a-ha moment from a business-related book. (That was for the business, you see. Because nothing is at all connected, you know. Yes, that's the manager talking. No, I do not hear voices.)

But glean the a-ha I did, and I'm glad of it. I'm a firm believer in things coming at the right time, and this book is the next piece in the puzzle the business card reaction started helping me put together. If I'm going to, say, decorate my home, plan a week's worth of bento lunches (another entry), launch this business, or *live my yoga*, I first have to learn how to live functionally - in a way that doesn't result in so much internal conflict over the simplest processes. And based on what I've read in the first forty or so pages of this book, it could be that I need to learn how to tell my manager to shut the hell up and just *be* until her input would be for the good of all. (I'm going to teach her some restorative poses and pranayama once I have this posted.)

So do I think I'll be able to keep myself in check? Most of the time, perhaps. But when I do go off the managerial deep end again, at least I'll understand how to bring myself back to a better place faster, and in a much more pleasant fashion.

up and almost at 'em

It would figure, wouldn't it, that on my first day back at full speed after last week's slowdown, our business cards would show up in the mail. As soon as I saw the box, I felt it - a physical tensing up, almost like I was preparing for another round of overdoing and burnout. I'd never noticed it before, but it was unmistakable - I was excited to see them, but there was also a feeling of, "Oh, no. Here we go." The all or nothing pattern is strongly ingrained into my entire being, I guess. It's almost like the reaction, as well as the actions themselves, have become habit.

I'm glad I caught it in that moment, because it showed me how much I'm really in need of balance in my approach. My default mode is either overdoing or not doing at all, planning to the "nth" degree or completely forgetting, fully charged or completely burned out and discouraged. While I've improved substantially, feeling myself prepare and flinch upon taking that package out of the mailbox showed me how much more I need to open up to a new way of going about my day to day affairs. Just like a less-rigid, yet thought out, approach has been of immense benefit to my yoga practice, the same could be as beneficial off the mat. (That's a lesson I'll probably learn, over and over, for the rest of my life.)

So before I dive back into planning and scheming for our new business, I'm going to devote time to figuring how I can best achieve ever-so-elusive balance. What might I, for instance, be lacking that could cause me to go so full throttle I make myself sick? What might I need more or less of that would help me feel truly satisfied and at peace at the end of a day? Off to make some avocado rolls and green tea and mull this over a bit.

catching up

So the house is a little more cluttered since I haven't been fully on top of cleaning this week, a couple of projects have been scooted over to next week's calendar, and my toes need to be done. So what? I feel so much better having allowed myself more-than-ample down time. My printer's low on ink because I've run off a slew of cool note cards, paper toys, and recipe cards. I haven't cooked a thing that wasn't fun to prepare (finally getting the hang of rolling sushi). The most labor-intensive thing I've done all week is go shopping, and I finally know what deep sleep is again. Just enough has been done to make going back full swing not quite so overwhelming.

The calendar's staying shut until Monday morning - no to-do lists this weekend other than pulling a few preparations together for some friends we're having over tomorrow night. My whole being is thanking me for a week-long off-the-mat restorative practice.

Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll see you Monday!

ever so much better

One of the things I would like to have happen as I progress is put the very distinct ability I have to totally fry myself to good use. Sunday's panic attack was a proverbial humdinger - I can laugh at it now, but it took Monday and yesterday to fully recover. (I don't just get shortness of breath, my system goes *nuts*.) My muscles were stiff from tensing up, I felt as though I'd run a marathon, and my sleep cycle is still trying to work itself out. However, my husband and I used the down time as a mini vacation and chance to re-evaluate some things we needed to approach differently. And I now have a (wait for it)....quitting time!

Part of trying to help my system readjust to as-normal-as-possible is adopting a lovely, stretchy, Warrior-heavy forward-bending practice that reduces me to a blissful pile of yoga jello. I finished up about an hour ago, and am still sitting on the couch with a cup of tea, feeling very warm and happy, beaming like a Cheshire cat and making my husband think I must certainly be high as a kite. All I can do is *be*. I was so relaxed and happily still in savasana that I worried my dog - who wandered over, sniffed a bit, put her nose in my face, and then finally sat with a reassuring paw on my shoulder. She even did the it's-gonna-be-okay-mommy grunt a few times. ("I Love the 80's" has never been this interesting!)

I do, however, need to loll my way over to the kitchen and whip up tonight's dinner (fried rice a'la Digs Magazine). And I probably need to spend time letting my dog know that I really am fine - she's sitting across the living room staring, as if saying, "Seriously , woman, you've not blinked!"

Try the JivaDiva's forward bending podcast for a nice, nice evening.

sofasana

Yes, indeed. On the couch, I am, and why? I suffered a lovely panic attack last night and am now suffering the after effects - stiff, a little out of it, and with residual tinglings in my arms on occasion. I know - yuck, right? And as much as I am trying to say it was unprovoked, who's been digging around doing business-related research and trying to perfect flyers and such for said business until late into the night?

I think I'm going to dedicate some time today to researching a "Little Miss Type A" t-shirt. There's got to be one out there somewhere...

Have a brilliantly wonderful day, and I'll see you Wednesday.