(no subject) (i think)

Yay, me. I'm honestly trying to fulfill my promise to myself of getting three entries into this blog this week, and have them be something that's truly representative of where I am in the moment. I'm also being quite honest about the fact that the first idea I had for today's entry was the one that kicked hardest, an entry that detailed a few things that have really been inspiring me or helping me along lately, but that such an entry would take pages...and pages...and maybe another page on top of those. So let's keep it simple and just have a list, shall we?

Hip Tranquil Chick/Tranquility du Jour - long time fave that's really hitting home right now, as I'm in the midst of shaping a new life AND launching a new business.

Zencast podcast - loving the guided Metta Meditation, as well as the meditation timers.

JivaDiva Yoga Jam - I can't say enough good things about this podcast, which I first discovered in 2005. It's amazingly helpful as I reestablish my practice and build my stamina back up to its pre-injuries level, and offers infinite good stuff, from practices to meditations to lectures. And if my shoulder acts up, there's even a sequence designed for those with repetitive stress injuries that puts no pressure on the arms, wrists, or shoulders.

This article at Yoga Journal did a great job reining me in after I began overdoing it in backbends this week.

I've really been enjoying Sadie Nardini's writing at the Yoga Journal. The "Living on a Prayer" chant (in her "Boston Family" entry) made me smile from my head to my toes. It rocks, no pun intended.

Yogi Tea Egyptian Licorice tea. I'm so in love with this stuff I might marry it.

Swami J's section on Patanjali's Sutras.

My PlannerPad. I use mine as a visual journal and calendar, and am lost without it.

My friend Shelley of Dancing Dogs Yoga (Hatha for Haiti this weekend!), for helping me select a new yoga mat. (Jade Yoga Fusion - still trying to decide between red or purple.)

(This is coming across as an Oscar acceptance speech....)

One more! Wrist decompression via Sadie Nardini on YouTube. I've done this a lot this week, as I've been all but glued to the computer with the DIY business stuff.

And of course, my mom, my husband, and my darlin' dog Totsi. :)

Now, I'm going to change into my after-ceremony attire and hit the after parties. (Translation, I'm going to get ready for an evening of dinner, "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas", and "Coast to Coast AM" with my husband.) Have an amazing weekend!

lessons learned

I know how to neutralize backbends. I also know that yin yoga can be exceptionally relaxing, and that too great a focus on backbends too late in the day can zing me up and awake all over again. Actually, let me rephrase that, too many backbends too late in the day can turn me into an insomniac, raving b-word with a major case of the grumps all the next day. So back to neutralizing backbends and the deeply relaxing effects yin yoga *can* have for me. Or not.

I've been mentally busy for the past couple of days, throwing myself into arranging my calendar for the next few months and blazing through ideas Trey and I have for a business we're launching. Physically, however, other than taking care of (ahem) domestic projects and my morning cardio, I've been s.e.d.e.n.t.a.r.y. - hardly even getting up to look out a window. On Monday, after writing I was off to go through a few rounds of Chandra Namaskar, I decided I felt too drained and opted for this yin yoga practice I found on the Yoga Journal site. (They have a few practices up, as well as a podcast, that I've been sampling.) It proved profoundly relaxing - in a matter of just a couple of hours I was nodding off, and I slept very soundly for almost twelve hours.

Yesterday, I went through the same routine - had morning cardio, tidied up the house a bit, worked some more on my calendar, and settled in at the computer for another marathon of business-related stuff. (I did take in a documentary via Netflix online - but that was still, you guessed it, at my computer.) I looked up around 5pm and realized that I was craving some time on my mat, but opted to keep going with what I was working on. Then I put if off some more, as Trey and I had to run out for some items to make dinner. I decided to "just do the yin yoga practice again" in spite of the fact that I actually wanted something that might have involved a few jump backs, twists, and a moderate challenge. I then decided to take a very different (and retrospectively educational) approach to the yin practice I was settling on than the night before.

First, since I was having trouble getting into the mindset and quieting myself down, I plugged into my iPod. Chose what is, for me, relatively calm music - the Sugarcubes, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Cat Stevens, Duran Duran, and Nouvelle Vague. (Go ahead and laugh.) And then I decided to counteract all the hunching over I'd done at the computer all day by remaining in backbends a for a good while. In fact, I switched out one of the postures called for, saddle, in favor of repeating a backbend. While making myself hold seal for a little longer than I thought I perhaps should, I swear I felt myself pop a little more alert. As I tried to finish the practice, I began feeling more and more hurried, half-heartedly went through trying to chill myself back out a little, and only dedicated about a minute to savasana at the end. I was *up*, even though I felt somewhat physically relaxed. I managed to slow myself down a little as the night progressed, but had a tremendous time getting to sleep and popped awake after only about four hours sleep.

And so this morning? I am a *grouch* who feels like she's had eighteen cups of coffee, who can very clearly see why. First, I didn't need that yin practice yesterday, I needed something more active, and although I realized that I chose to ignore the fact. Second, I probably should have left the iPod on the coffee table. Third, I didn't tune in enough to have any amount of respect for my practice - otherwise, I wouldn't have forced myself into holding poses for so long that I knew could have a somewhat detrimental effect (just 'cause it's a yin practice doesn't mean those backbends won't rev me up if I overdo). How ironic is it that in trying to tone out for the evening I put myself into overdrive?

But, as icky as I feel right now, it's a lesson in mindfulness. And the fact that my dog and my husband are both hiding from me makes it especially potent. I've decided that one of the bits of artwork I'll put into my developing yoga space will incorporate the words, "Tune in first.", and will be placed in very plain sight. Or I might scratch that in favor of the word "backbend" enhanced by a peacefully-hued prohibitory symbol. Heck, both might help. However, I wonder if it all doesn't boil down to the simple adage, "It's all in the approach." (Maybe I need all three of those....)

wildly forgetful

I'll be honest. I forgot to put up an entry today. And now that I'm faced with the entry screen, I'm completely forgetting what I'd intended to write in the first place. I do need to mention that I might not be posting as much this week - Trey and I are gearing up to launch a business, and I need to get back to work on setting up our house.

I wound up *really* getting into my practice on Friday. What started as a series of gentle stretches to help me unwind after a busy day turned into about an hour of playing with asanas I haven't bothered with in forever. Discovered that holding Side Plank on my left side is now an option (my left shoulder was injured at the end of the summer) without having to drop my knee to the floor. Fueled by that ability, I decided to play around with Wild Thing. Didn't think I'd be able to do it in a million years - the last time I attempted it I fell flat on my butt after twisting my shoulder. Why, yes, I *was* trying to force it and flip too quickly, why do you ask? I'm still not sure what inspired me to work my way into it on Friday, but I did, and was really happy to rediscover how much fun it can be to work with. Made the flip (carefully) and back into Downward Facing Dog (likewise) without the wobbles and shakes I expected. All in all, I was surprised at how I underestimated myself *and* yoga, not only was I able to do things I didn't think I'd be able to do yet, I saw that I haven't been giving yoga the props it deserves in building strength and confidence.

Off for a few rounds of Chandra Namaskar and some tea - in addition to forgetting to post an entry, guess who also worked her way right through the normal time for her practice today? Better late than not at all!

if i could sit down today...

And didn't I just write about down time and taking care of myself? Whattaya gonna do, right? Actually, it's fine - I've been to lunch and shopping with Mom, and am starting to get the house ready for a small gathering Trey and I are hosting tomorrow evening.

But if I could sit down, I might indulge in a Zencast episode. You can find the podcast and various musings here.

Now, how's that for a way to recommend a favorite podcast? Now for tea (new fave is Yogi Tea's Egyptian Licorice), and on to cleaning.

another eurekaduh

Light. Shed. Wow. Sometimes I'm amazed at my ability to ignore the obvious, but at least I caught the issue early in my process of getting back to yoga and taking on new projects.

Yesterday, while reading this entry in Sadie Nardini's blog at Yoga Journal, I congratulated myself on having found better balance with regards to giving to myself as much as I give to others. This morning, I had a moment of, "Uh, back it up a bit, sister." What brought this on was the realization that I've been feeling a little run down since taking up my yoga practice again and starting this blog. Writing and yoga are two of my favorite things, why would they make me feel run down? Well, considering that I have I-have-to-take-care-of-everything complex, subtracting a couple of hours from days that were already pretty full was bound to bring about such a reaction, right? Not really. The time's there, so that was more a matter of time management.

Damned if I didn't feel a little bit guilty. I caught myself trying to talk myself out of an evening practice today, because there are other things that I should be devoting my attention to. I started wondering if posting to this blog was a bad thing - why should I spend an hour writing when there are so many other things to be done?

Eureka and duh, because I want to. And because if I don't give to myself, I can't give to anyone else from anything resembling a place of sincerity. I can perform the acts, but grudgingly. Making matters worse, when overly-taxed enough I get *snappy*. Giving should be from the heart, and taking care of and making others happy is something I thrive upon, but it's hard to do that when I'm depleted. So enough already - having had the "eurekaduh" moment, I don't feel guilty anymore, but I'll admit that putting this new approach into action might be a bit challenging. I'm going to give myself a restorative practice and a mani/pedi to help start this process.

And after that, following Sadie Nardini's lead, I think I'm going out to buy myself some flowers.

this was me

I thought I would take on an "easy" practice last night, twenty minutes of Surya Namaskar A and B. And, yes, that abbreviated podcast practice used to be a good one for when I wanted something a little bit challenging, but not overly so. If my muscles were sore, or I wasn't feeling particularly energetic, it was a good go-to. Well, let me tell you what it was like yesterday. Actually, I'll show you! Let's have a film strip, boys and girls, as a special treat! Oh, boy!



There. You. Go! And that comparison popped right into my head as I wobbled up and out of Savasana and tilted down the hall to sit, staring and very, very still, on the living room floor for a good hour. While I was going through my practice, my husband and the dog stood a safe distance and watched for a couple of minutes - then both looked confused (I was glaring) and left. I made it all the way through, though, without having to collapse for a round, as I was very tempted to do. And, in sharp contrast to the one and only time I let my husband talk me into getting on the ride featured in the video, I'm looking forward to having another go. Something kicked in yesterday that I want to feel kick in again - can't put it into words, but it's been gone for a while. The best description would be equal parts confidence and inspiration with a dash of bliss, that left me feeling not-quite-so-overwhelmed by a growing to-do list. (I guess I just got it into words after all, didn't I?) Perhaps it's as simple as a sense of accomplishment, but I find I'm raring to go this morning - having trouble roping in all of the ideas for things I suddenly *want* to get done, rather than feeling as though I *have to*.



Enjoy your day!

svadhya....huh? where was i?

I have a tendency, a big one, to overanalyze things and completely zizz myself out. Truth: I am a very analytical Type A personality with ADD who suffers from anxiety that will, if left unchecked, spiral into epic panic attacks. This...looking for a sarcastic descriptive phrase....symposium of goodness means that I struggle a bit with self-study, svadhyaya. I'll stress over not being able to focus, or focus so hard on getting my self-study right that I stress all over again. I'll analyze things, wondering why they happened and why I allowed them to happen and so forth, until I zip myself into needing a Hyland's Calms. (And, yes, I do have a therapist, thanks!) After writing about my yogier-than-thou phase, searching back over the various parts of my pre-injury/illness practice and trying to figure out the the reason behind the psychology of that time, I re-stumbled upon something that totally derailed that weighty process. (Good thing, since I was doing "that thing I do" and starting to give myself a migraine by picking it all to death.)

A fun, pink-and-leopard-print surprise popped out of some old podcasts I uncovered while transferring my backed-up music into iTunes on my new computer, Kimberly Wilson's Hip Tranquil Chick. I see my copy of the Hip Tranquil Chick book every day, and maintain a subscription to the podcast (now called Tranquility du Jour), but hadn't perused the older episodes since my initial encounter. That was Fall 2006, I was about to make a glorious mistake in marrying a handsome *nevermind*, and I found the link to the Hip Tranquil Chick blog through Googling something about yoga and women. Downloaded every episode, put them on my iPod, and listened over and over again. After making my mistake (ahem) official and becoming a harried little homemaker, for a while I listened to that podcast over a cup of pomegranate-goji berry green tea every day after lunch. It was something I didn't need to structure or apply effort to that was incredibly beneficial, a nice little hit of inspiration, empowerment, and fun that carried over into my everyday life with my hardly realizing it. (I'm all about glittery gel pens and using my Hello Kitty-covered PlannerPad as a sort of visual journal. And it's all Kimberly's fault. haha)

At first, I chastised myself for being distracted by a podcast as I nailed my attention back to my oh-so-serious backtracking. But then I started to look through the episodes, having instance after instance of, "Oh! I remember that one!". I got my copy of Hip Tranquil Chick back out and started reading it again, and took up my old habit of listening to an episode of the podcast every day. And I realized something through this rediscovery: Distractions, out-of-the-blue thoughts or memories that seem completely unrelated, can be an essential part of the process, as backwards as that may sound. I realized that sometimes what's pereceived as a distraction during the process of self study can actually be a pointer towards something that will help you find what you're looking for, or it can be a signal that you've done the work you need to do for the time being - if you back away a bit, you'll arrive at your answer (or vice versa).

The answer I was looking for? Down time is your friend, and I know that, but I have issues embracing the concept - a good chunk of the reason behind the yoga overkill I referenced ealier. If you don't chill and enjoy your life, you don't reap the full benefits of your practice. Simple, yes, but a huge realization for me. (And as a bonus, I've rediscovered a great source of of advice and inspiration at the perfect time - new husband, new home, new life, new blog, gearing towards a new business....*yeah*.)


One more thing: Before I jot out of here and completely forget to tell you - Kimberly Wilson has a new book out, Tranquilista, that I'm planning to devour in short order. Can't wait!

And just in case you didn't believe me about the Hello Kitty PlannerPad:



(Oh, yeah. I've got the Hello Kitty sickness, and I'm proud of it.)

ch-ch-ch-ch-......(yes, you thought right)

Ahhh, change. It's good, right? Even when it seems bad, if you're trusting that the Universe has a plan, it's alright. Right?

One would think I'd be a pro at the whole thing, as I've definitely received universal nudges (or kicks, in my case - I am stubborn). I've learned to navigate tidal waves of change, for reasons that I'm sure I'll write about later. However, it's now, at a time that things seem to have settled, that I find myself having difficulty treading day-in-day-out water.

For the longest time, it was just Totsi, my dog, and me. Even during my last marriage, I was alone 90% of the time. I am accustomed to going about my day as I see fit. Now? I have a household with more than one pet and husband who actually cares about where things go and how things are done, gives a damn about how things may or may not affect my life, and likes to go places and do things with me. Don't get me wrong - Trey and I are insanely compatible, we're both a little "out there", and share a love of many "out there" things. We're not the typical suburban couple, nor will we ever be, and it's wonderful. Wow - I was really about to ramble...

Let's try putting it this way: *Being with Trey* is fantastic. I have never felt such kinship with someone. Living with Trey is great, too. The hard part is reshaping how I live, adapting to another person's preferences, whims, and patterns. The pattern I'd gotten into, the way I arranged my days? That doesn't work so well now. It's a welcome upheaval, as I was getting into a fairly isolative place, but it's an upheaval nonetheless. And my house, that I'd planned such amazing things for? I have to share it now, which means his opinions matter - I want him to be happy here. And there are times when doing so, when simply allowing change to take place and observing how things fall without freaking, is acutely challenging.

So having admitted my quandary, what do I intend to do about it? First of all, I'm allowing myself to admit that certain aspects of it all are distressing. Like I said, upheaval is upheaval - when you've been in a comfy, cozy rut, leaving it can be distressing, even if the reason is a happy one. (And just as I keyed that, his %*(&*# cat popped my beloved dog who yelped and is gloriously upset. Breathing. Breathing some more.) For me, admitting the difficulty is the easy part. Yoga helped me work my way through some fairly cataclysmic changes over the past few years, eased my grief through some frankly rough stuff - the physical sensation of release and relaxation after practice, alone, was profoundly beneficial. But as I embrace all of the joy and excitement I'm feeling over all the great stuff that's happening now and is on the horizon, I need take the very same approach I did with the changes I didn't want to swallow.

That approach was to let go. And I fought at first, oh, hell, did I ever fight - but when I just cut that out and let things be, circumstances began to change for the better. And with something better to focus upon, maintaining that state of letting go became a bit easier. Not skip-through-the-daisies-singing-Brady-Bunch-songs easy, mind you, but easier in the sense that I realized a greater solution had to come just as all the smaller solutions had. I read article upon article on the topic, wrote in my journal, reasoned everything out, and knew what I needed to do. However, the concept didn't make sense until smack dab in the middle of my practice one evening, when I had to admit that I was pushing myself too hard to achieve photograph form of a particular asana. It dawned on me that I had to accept where I was, be there, and let go of the injurious effort I was applying - a eureka moment with a big dash of "Duh!". Bolstered by that realization, I let go of the upending situations in my life, and once I gave those changes some room to breathe and work, I got my bearings and was better equipped to cope with everything that was happening. I regained my own ability to breathe and work - a fair trade.

In hindsight, I guess I came to treat change as I wanted it to treat me, if that makes sense. Once I let up, I got the same in return - subsequently, both of our respective processes were able to move along. And damned if that's not a whopper of a good analogy for learning my way around in this new marriage, and the new life it's brought. (That in itself is a whole other entry!) Eureka, and duh!

Note: Yoga Journal has a great article on dealing with change. I've bookmarked it for handy reference.

snowballasana

As you might have heard, the Southeast experienced a rare snowstorm yesterday, which resulted in up to seven inches in parts of my area. The snow ruled the day, as it very well should have - I'm a firm believer in anything that has the capacity to bring out the inner child. Even my impatience was fun; the first flakes didn't fall until around 3.00pm, and until that point I wandered to the front door, and then to the back, squinting at the green of pine trees thinking the contrast would help me to better see the starting moment. I made soup, baked cookies, checked outside. Downloaded a few new yoga podcasts, stirred the soup, sampled a cookie, and checked outside again. Wrote in my journal, checked Facebook to see if any local friends had posted that the snow had started at their places, and checked outside. My mom called - the snow had started at her place. A friend called - he was creeping along the interstate a few hours away, so he definitely had it. Another friend posted that she had snow, and she lives only ten minutes away.

FINALLY we got our turn, and everything but all things snow stopped. Yesterday evening and into the night, I was running and playing in the snow with my husband and dog. We'd go out, he and I would pelt each other with snowballs (which the dog would try to catch), and then we'd come in to dry off and recover, after which we'd go right back out again. It was bliss!

And through all of that, I never managed to make it to my mat - which was exactly as yesterday needed to be. For a while, I told myself I *should* go through the motions, but every time I would decide to get up and do so, my husband would want to go back out into the snow. After the third time this happened, I realized it was more important to go with *that* flow instead of breaking it for a flow of asanas. Yoga teaches us to be present to the moment, to take things in, be right where we are; and I needed to be fully in the experience of yesterday - running, throwing snowballs, calling my husband a "jackleg" every time he popped me with one, laughing until I hurt, and taking in the beauty of snow-covered everything. Yesterday was a time to take my yoga off the mat.

That said, I might need to take it back to the mat for a bit before I go back out this morning. My muscles are seriously sore from all that play!

still no change, but a woo hoo

Let's reverse the order - first, the "woo hoo!":

Sadie Nardini's going to be blogging it up at Yoga Journal!

I'm a huge Sadie Nardini fan. Her book, Road Trip Guide to the Soul, is one of my favorites - truly life-changing. I'm actually about to give it a second run-through as a refresher course. Definitely check it out! I've got a link to her stuff at the Huffington Post in my web haunts list - again, definitely check it out! And just before my ankle put me out of yoga comission, I finally tried to follow along with some of her YouTube sequences - they kicked my ever livin' tail, but I'm looking forward to giving them another go once my stamina's up just a little bit. Her DVD's will definitely be making their way into my collection, I'm sure.

And as for the change I was going to write about? Well...the balcony-lurking primary source of all that change has finally moved his stuff into what's now our home, so we've got to get to work setting up house.

Have a brilliant evening!

a cool thing and a later thing

I'm trying to write up a proper entry all about change and dealing with it, however, one of the primary reasons for the change I am trying to write about has thrown a wrench in the writing works. In the spirit of going with the flow, letting it all be, and just chilling the hell out, I have decided to hit "save" and stow it for tomorrow.

But I still had to jot in and share a new feature at Yoga Journal's website: LiveMag. (Or is it supposed to be two distinct words?)

Now, would you tell me how to coax the aforementioned primary source of change (also known as Trey, my husband) out of situations like this, and regain my focus after such things have taken place? (This was taken a few days ago, but things in a similar vein involving tennis balls were happening.)



Breathing...(but laughing, too)...

one of these satyas is not like the other one...

In case you're having a "say what?" moment, "satya", in embarassingly general terms, means "truth". I'd expound, but I'm currently recovering from today's practice, which is what got my blog entry wheels spinning during a moment of "Oh, WOW! I can do that!" (So please excuse any totally out there spelling and grammatical moments. I feel slightly high.)

For the past month or so, I've been gradually easing back into a more challenging daily practice by going through a slow-paced series of hip openers and twists with some down dogs, planks, and forward folds thrown in for good measure. The primary reason was relaxation at first - I missed yoga, but was convinced I was still too weak to push myself too hard...yatta yatta. So I took it easy, and after a little while noticed that months of lingering tightness was gone. In one of those first stretchy/twisty practices, I was astonished when I began to perspire after a simple down dog/plank/down dog transition - and pleasantly surprised to find that it became much easier quickly. I congratulated myself on allowing myself to be completely honest about my recovering body's capabilities; by not pushing it, I made genuine progress.

Today, as I was trying to decide what kind of practice I felt would be best, I caught myself applying huge doses of caution. "Oh, no. Keep it simple. Be honest with yourself. Why not just do three rounds of sun salutations and some gentle reclining twists? Remember, Annalisa, you're not up to snuff." I didn't want that. I wanted to sweat and be challenged, to feel my body opening back up as my mind settled, but I tried to tell myself that I needed just the opposite.

I went with my gut, and chose a twenty minute intermediate practice from the Jiva Diva Yoga Jam podcast - my favorite yoga podcast ever. Part of me fought that decision - my gut was saying one thing, and my head was saying another. I decided if I got weak, if something started to hurt, I'd quit or sub a more accessible asana.

Neither was necessary. In fact, I don't think I've ever moved through that practice as easily. Revolved triangle gave me a bit of a tremble, but considering this was the most vigorous practice I've had since...nevermind when, I think that's understandable. (At least my hand went all the way to the floor outside my foot!) The whole time the nagging little voice was there, telling me I was taking on too much, too soon, but I knew otherwise. I even almost tried to kick up into headstand from half headstand, but when my arms shook like mad as one foot came off the floor, I knew it was best to leave it alone for now.

This helped me realize that I need to learn to identify when I'm really being truthful with myself. Sounds totally convoluted, right? Well, I've exerted myself. I'm still a little shaky. I might need another cup of tea, even, and a cookie. All those gentle, stretchy, easy practices were precisely what I needed to do, and prepared me for today's practice quite well. (I'm still amazed!) The resistance to that practice, the nagging voice of reason that told me I should avoid taking on too much? Well, I have to say, my comfortable little evening practice has been nice. Easy's good. I'm human, and I like easy. So it was only natural that part of me would resist something not-so-easy, and that using the "truth" about my capabilities would very easily enable me to keep that pattern going for a little while longer. The truth was what came from my gut - and it turned out to be more powerful than I ever thought it could be, including the part that led me to not take on headstand just yet. Not only was I able to move through the more challenging practice, I was able to move through it quite well. So much for the limiting voice of "truth", huh?

I'd finish this up with a fun statement about when satya isn't satya, but I'll be honest: I need to chill. I'm blissfully beat!

enthusiastically noncommittedly content

In mulling over how *into my whole yoga thing* I used to be, I was struck by a pattern within my approach that disturbed me a bit. While I can see that this pattern definitely had its beneficial side, I'm also seeing that certain aspects of it were to the detriment of my practice. The very into-ness, my enthusiasm and commitment, went a little too far, and subsequently numbed me a bit. Let me give you a few examples before I ramble myself silly...

I had notebooks of sequences and articles, and kept journals of my progress. For a time, I took something to study to my mat before practice, and would set that as something to ponder while I moved through the day's prescribed practice (yep, planned not only the practice but what to think about during). This was, I thought, what I was supposed to do - I had to be a focused, serious yogini (all the while proclaiming how fun it was), dedicated to her lofty ponder-osity, more aligned than the most aligned anything ever was. If I failed to reach my practice goals (wince), I beat myself up a little, all the while denying I was doing anything of the sort. (We're talking whacked, people. It was freakin' insane.)

A point came when I decided I had to have a particular label or brand of yoga, and once I hopped on one, I wouldn't allow myself to practice anything outside of that particular vein. For a while, I wouldn't look at anything that wasn't Jivamukti. Don't get me wrong, I loves me some Jivamukti, but when I hit it I became something of a little Jivamukti snob. And then I decided to try Kundalini. Buh-bye, Jivamukti! (Sing with me! "So long, farewell, auf weidersehen goobye!") Wouldn't go near anything but Kundalini - I was Kundalini this, Kundalini that, awakening and arising and sat nam-ing my behind off. Then guess what happened? I went into just general vinyasa, and, yes, I actually said that. I was open. So open, in fact, to just general vinyasa (yowza) that if presented with, say, the idea of checking out Anusara or Iyengar or anything else with what I perceived as a *label* offended me a little. See how open I was? I freed myself right into a very open locked general vinyasa chamber.

While I'm very familiar with the 20/20 nature hindsight possesses, this realization has been particularly keen, and I think my hardass approach might have a lot to do with why I've been so resistant to the idea of approaching yoga again. If you would have presented me with that thought at this time yesterday, I'd likely have rolled my eyes, but, yes, I *did* enthuse and commit myself into burnout and avoidance. But I definitely learned a lot through that approach, just like I've learned a lot about myself by seeing its effects.

Okay, okay, I'm getting to the point! All those journals and notebooks of articles? They're gone. My need for branding, or even anti-branding? Likewise. I can't fathom taking such a militaristic approach this time around. How dissatisfied was I with what I was doing, and with myself, that I felt I had to prove something to such a degree? This time, I'm out to prove nothing. Yes, I will throw myself into my practice with enthusiasm, but with a dash of santosha, contentedness. I'm committed to enjoying the experience. Wherever my practice is, it's fine. Whatever discipline (or not) I choose to approach, cool. If I want to get on my mat and do nothing but downward facing dogs for an hour, even, fine and dandy, and if I want to do those downward facing dogs to Led Zepplin? Yes, please! For the first time, I feel like I'm developing a practice that's honestly reflective of who I am.

Now, let's hope I don't go too far with this approach and wind up practicing in a clown getup. In public.

getting my butt back...

Okay - briefly:

After, oh, about six months away from a consistent yoga practice due to a sprained ankle (jumped out of a swing) and injuries to my shoulder and hip (ex boyfriend's Harley went down), then health issues, and life issues, a new relationship that's led to marriage (best thing ever!), new pets, my house becoming our house and said house being redone...you with me? Good. I need to get back to my practice.

Actually, wait a second, what I wanted to say was, "I need to get my butt back on the mat." So forget I said the "back to my practice" thing, as the "get my butt back" thing is much more authentically me. (And, now that I think about it, getting back to the mat will help me get my butt back, now, won't it? Score!)

Anyway, I've gotten back into the habit of a short practice late in the evening, and am definitely ready to get back into the full swing of it. Just one hitch: When you're away from something for so long, an old habit can be hard to reestablish. So as I lamented this lack of motivation one evening, my husband suggested I start a yoga blog. "Nah, tried that before", I said, "and it didn't really speak to me". Well, that was because I tried to write about it in an incredibly weighty way that I didn't relate to. Long story short, in a state of near exhaustive collapse after a mega-round of domestic purging this weekend that included clearing the space for my personal yoga "studio" (it's a foyer, but still), I decided to allow my husband to be right.

So here's my yoga blog, in its rough draft form. And here's a bad phone snapshot of the blank canvas that is my yoga foyer:



I'd say something about the cool link between the blank space of the yoga foyer and my renewed practice and so forth, but I'm too tired to go there right now. Maybe tomorrow, after some recuperative hijinks with my husband. (I need beer - in moderation - and rock-n-roll in excess, and a brand new sparkly purple pedicure, stat!)